One month in

I have already been retired for a month. It has flown by and so far I have been very busy though of course it has included a week away in Austria, which not every month will.

Last night I went to someone else's retirement do, which gave me reason to reflect. Several people asked how I was finding it and of course I said it is wonderful, which it is. I said that I wake up in the morning and choose what to do from  all the things that I like doing!

Then I started to wonder if this is really true. So far I haven't had a day that isn't already planned out- with things I have decided to do, or know I need to do,  e.g.  dentist or opticians, buying curtains, allotment, garden, Elizabeth Gaskell's House, visiting mother, seeing friends etc etc. Yesterday I had to remind myself that I actually do need to do a bit of housework from time to time.

So a sense of freedom hasn't really arrived yet. Its more like a new beginning- a chance to do things that I want to do, without feeling that they are squeezed into a few spare moments. I think this is what I have been waiting for all  my life. The chance to think about what I really want to do without feeling pressured by responsibilities or  the need to earn money.

Anyone who knows me,  will know that I spent 5 years really caring for my mother at all times when I wasn't at work. Unfortunately her dementia is now at a stage where she doesn't really seem to know if I visit or not and is often asleep when I do. While this is sad and often upsetting, it does mean that the burden of feeling the need to visit very frequently and for lengthy periods  has lifted, just at the time when I actually have more time available. So I guess this is why I am perhaps feeling doubly liberated.

Yes,  I am now free to make endless choices about how to occupy myself and seem to have no difficulty doing that. I need to find more time somehow to do more things, chiefly reading and remembering to talk to my husband!

The hard bit for me I think is  adjusting to having a diary that isn't full; that leaves some days empty for spontaneous activity; that does make it possible to watch the weather forecast and decide to go out somewhere because its going to be fair. That does indeed mean that I can wake up and only then decide what I am going to do with the day.